From: Charlie Channel At the dinner table last night, my son said that Dan Quayle attacked Warner Bros., specificially the Road Runner and Bugs Bunny. ''The Road Runner,'' said Quayle, ''consistently and flagarantly flaunts disregard for the law. Such a role model send the wrong message to minds that are in formation. In fact, the Road Runner continually attacks both family values and societal values. Kids run around the house where they ought not and grow up into adults that disregard red lights, stop signs and paying taxes. And that Hollywood conspiracy, for the sake of the almighty dollars, is driving the country into the ground. Do you wonder why Rodney King tried to run?'' Quayle also said, ''The important lessons of life are that a person can do those things and not get caught. Wiley Coyote, who personifies the establishment, the police authorities and servants of the executive branch of the government, never catches the Road Runner. He's always running off a cliff and walking on air, until he notices he has exceeded the capacities of human common sense. It's only after he becomes aware of what others are so accutely knowledgeable about that he succumbs to the laws of gravity. So, despite his best attempts to bring the Road Runner to justice, to do what's right, to make a plan work, he fails. That is not the sort of morality Hollywood ought to be teaching our kids.'' One reporter in the audience prefaced a question about Bugs Bunny with the comment that televised cartoons should have no place in political discussions or the six o'clock news. Unfortunately, Dan Quayle did not permit him to finish and began a tyrade against Bugs. ''There's nobody more dispicable than Bugs Bunny,'' he yelled. ''The common theme of denigrating authority, taking other people's property and generally being a culprit in destruction and mayhem is evident.'' ''I abhor the violence,'' he continued, ''because Bugs Bunny is actually a threat to civil order. In fact, he's outright seditious. Moreover, he makes the police look like idiots. What do you think it means when Elmer Fudd, who really represents law and order, attempts to level a shot gun at the rabbit and the rabbit shoves two carrots down the barrel. You know what happens when Elmer pulls the trigger? A good Republican is made to look like a fool, that's what!'' John Carman, a reporter for the S.F. Chronicle, commented that he didn't know Elmer was a Republican. The whispered comment was heard by Quayle, who addressed the issue. ''That's not the point,'' said Quayle. ''The point is family values are under attack, as are society values and political values. That's not the sort of thing anybody, any law abiding American citizen, should be teaching kids . . . I don't care how established, how profitable, and how legitimate the business.'' ''I was only joking,'' said Carman. ''It's no joke,'' replied Quayle, ''when you look at the pattern of things. Yosemite Sam, for example, another good, upstanding, law and order kind of guy. Positive role model. But, what do you think happens whenever he has a confrontation with the Bugs? The conspiracy is evident to even a casual observer.'' ''The media has a bias,'' Quayle continued. ''It's a liberal establishment favoring the Democrats. There's no doubt about that.'' ''Prove it,'' a heckler shounted, ''you've got 4 more months.'' ''Clearly,'' Quayle yelled, ''Jerry Brown and the Democrats always comes out on top. All you have to do is see how Sylvester fares when he attempts to catch Tweety, that little affectedly effete yellow bird. Don't think for a minute I don't know who Tweety is.'' Then Quayle, looking at the audience said, "You owe me, Bugs. You owe me!" I asked my 18 year old son what he made of all that. ''I think Mr. Quayle still watches too much TV.'' Next Saturday morning, TV news crews will be in homes and bars around the country filming and taping millions of Americans sitting down, staring at their TV's, looking like they're looking at a god, transfixed, waiting to see how the Road Runner, Bugs and Tweety will respond. Stay tooned!
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Updated: 8 Apr 2000 tower