Shit happens Contd.

 [colorful rounded image of the Head of a GNU]

              A SHORT GUIDE TO COMPARATIVE RELIGIONS


TAOISM                      Shit happens.

CONFUCIANISM                Confucius say, "shit happens".

CALVINISM                   Shit happens because you don't work
                            hard enough.

BUDDHISM                    If shit happens, it really isn't shit.

SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST       No shit on Saturdays.

ZEN                         What is the sound of shit happening?

HEDONISM                    There's nothing like a good shit happening.

HINDUISM                    This shit happened before.

MORMON                      This shit is going to happen again.

ISLAM                       If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

MOONIES                     Only happy shit really happens.

STOICISM                    This shit is good for me.

PROTESTANISM                Let the shit happen to someone else.

CATHOLICISM                 Shit happens because you are BAD.

HARE KRISHNA                Shit happens rama rama.

JUDAISM                     Why does this shit always happen to us?

ZOROASTRIANISM              Shit happens half the time.

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE           Shit is in your mind.

ATHEISM                     Sheeit.

EXISTENTIALISM              What is shit anyway?

RASTAFARIANISM              Let's smoke this shit.


A SHORT GUIDE TO COMPARATIVE RELIGIONS
VOLUME II


TAOISM:                  If you can shit, it isn't shit.

HINDUISM:                This shit isn't a religion, it's the way of life.

CHARISMATIC              Shit is happening because you deserve it, but
CATHOLICISM:             we love you anyway.

REFORM JUDAISM:          Got any laxatives?

NEWAGE:                  That's not shit, it's feldspar.
                         A firm shit does not happen to me.
                         This isn't shit if I really believe it's chocolate.
                         I create my own shit.

EXISTENTIALISM:          Shit doesn't happen; shit is.

WICCA:                   If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.

JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES:     No shit happens until Armaggedon.

SECULAR HUMANISM:        Shit evolves.

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE:       When shit happens, don't call a doctor--pray.

ATHEISM:                 It look and smells like shit, so I'll be damned if
                         if I'm going to taste it.


RELIGION FROM AN         I haven't smelt, seen, touched or tasted it,
ATHEIST'S POINT OF VIEW  but I know it's shit.


RASTAFARIAN:             Let's roll that shit up and smoke it.

MORMON:                  Hey, there's more shit over here!

UNITARIANISM:            Go ahead, shit anywhere you want.

IRAQI BAATHIST:          Oh shit!

VOODOO:                  Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped
                         it on you.

TELEVANGELISM:           Your tax-deductible donation could make this
                         shit stop happening.

AGNOSTICISM:             It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't
                         tasted it, so I'm not sure whether its shit
                         or not.


.PA
In other various ways....


YUPPIE SHIT:             It's my shit!  All mine!  Isn't it beautiful?

AN EMPLOYER:             Shit happens, and rolls down hill.

HEISENBERGISM:           Shit happened, we just don't know where.

NIXONISM:                Shit didn't happen, and if it did I didn't know
                         anything about it.

COMMUNISM:               It's everybody's shit.

CAPITALISM:              Shit happens, and it'll cost you!



A FUNNY AND INTERESTING STORY OF WHERE
PEOPLE LOOK FOR ANSWERS, EVERYWHERE EXCEPT
WHERE THE ANSWERS REALLY ARE...

New-Age-Astral-Vibration Rap
by Steve Webber

I was having an out-of-body experience so I grounded myself and got
centered with the help of my spirit guide, then I almost astral
traveled but the phone rang and I sensed the negative vibrations so I
checked my numerology chart and almost had a primal but my energy was
blocked so I did some bioenergetics and self-parenting and had some
flower essences with oat bran ginseng muffins but my inner child wasn't
being nurtured so I had some frozen yogurt that made me hyper so I did
the relaxation response while listening to my subliminal tape but I was
feeling depersonalized so I did some polarity work, foot reflexology, a
past life regression, rebirthed myself and made an appointment for a
shiatsu, reiki, rolfing, Feldenkrais, Swedish, Japanese deep tissue
massage but I needed to energize my crystals and do some positive
imagery because my visualization techniques and affirmations made my
space feel invaded so to get empowered I got a psychic reading around
the issue of my assertiveness so I could feel my radiance and have
energy for my psychocalisthenics and my inversion swing before my
harmonic brain wave synergy session which makes me more focused for my
actualization seminar and holistic healing class and dream workshop so
I'm clear for my Gestalt/behavioral/cognitive/transpersonal/Reichian/
Jungian/Freudian/Ericksonian session but my aura is weak for my
channeling group so I'll fast till noon to recharge my chakras and I
sense my intuition is high and my cycle is focused so I'll turn on my
ion generator to open up for my neuro-linguistic programming but I
need to have my pyramid balanced before my guided synchronicity
meditation so my cranio sacral therapy aligns me for the fire-walk
after my tarot reading but I need a meaningful relationship to mirror
myself so I'll go to the Intensive Whole Life Earth Rebirth Cosmic Expo
Symposium Seminar Workshop to find someone who is real.

Other humor in the GNU Humor Collection.

Disclaimer

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Updated: 8 Apr 2000 tower